Friday, December 17, 2010

I'll give you the low-down on how my evening went last night. Not that you give two shites or anything but its my blog and I can talk about whatever the fuck I want. Don't leave though, I'm just using this tough guy attitude as a defence mechanism for my pitiful low self-esteem.

Anyway here I am being rejected by some stuck-up, south-sider little toe-rag and there she is yapping away to her mates about how red my face was getting. Not that I was embarrassed or anything, I was just sweating buckets. My face got got so red and pasty that I looked as if i was desperately trying and failing to hold in a shit. Too much info?

Did I mention that I was also drunk off my tits? A couple hours before we hit the club, one of my friends thought it would be a lark if we drank his concoction of vodka mixed with red bull mixed with absinthe.  He called it 'The Holy grail' and by Jaysys it knocked the living daylights out of me. 

Before I knew it, I was in the bathroom sitting on an aids infested toliet with my hands on my face. I was in a very bad way! I must of been sitting there for quite sometime as the toliet guy started banging on the door asking if I was alright. I looked at my phone and checked the time. FUCK 3.00am!! Party's over.  

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Favourite pub snack??

I suppose we can all agree that food is ultimately the best counterpart for alcohol, besides drugs and sex that is. Most Irish pubs have a very limited supply of bar snacks compared to other countries in Europe and America. I don't know the reason for this and frankly I couldn't give a fiddler's fart.
Implying that I know how to tickle your interests, here are a few examples of the snacks that we Irish enjoy...

So what type of Pub snacks do you outsiders like?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Super awesome beer & spirits commericals!



                Stella Artois                  


               Absolut Vodka




                                       Bud Light

                      Guinness (Yet again)

Back to basics (2)

A couple of days prior to Cowen's debut on the Jay Leno show, the BIFFO made international headlines when he appeared drunk on Morning Ireland. As he staggered through the interview, Cowen made a countless number of cock ups, like mixing the Croke Park Agreement up with the Good Friday Agreement. Now I know that loads of commies are arguing that Cowen was simply hung over and hoarse from the night before, but if you have ever spent the entire night on the lash and needed to get up early for the next morning, you should realise that its quite common to wake up still under the influence.
The BIFFO  described such allegations as nonsense, which 'should be left in the dustbin'.
However the song in the video below will rap up the entire incident in a matter of 1 minute and 39 seconds.

This funny looking man's name is PJ Sheenan, a Fine Gael TD from the south west of Cork. Last September he approached the gates of Leinster house and demanded that a female Guard let him leave the premises, without any hassle or delay.

Now your probably wondering why on earth would a Guard try and prevent a "respectable" TD from driving home after a hard days work.

But as it turns out, 'Peanut head' got very well-acquainted to the bar at Leinster house and departed in the most deplorable way imaginable. The female Guard explained that he was too intoxicated to drive home safely and offered to call him a taxi.

Instead of listening to her mindful advise, Peanut head began to shout abuse at the Guard, claiming that her career would be over once his party gets into power.

At the time of the incident, Sheehan was so drunk that he required assistance to remain upright and later claimed that he had little memory of the event.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Back to basics

So here we are again, back to the good auld days. Back to a time where our government drains the benefits and pleasures out of living. They are the reason for our downfall. They are the reason why ordinary people cannot afford to enjoy the basic necessities of leisure. As my Dad often says, "They might as well take the steam from our piss!"

In the words of the late Ronnie Drew, "The history of Ireland is a history of oppression and the struggle of the people against it. The history of landlords and conniving politicians who sought to deprive the people of their birthright. And regular times in Ireland's past, these grievances have boiled over and the ordinary people have reacted in the only way open to them. REBELLION!"

But surely our government's intentions are good. Surely they need to make the odd budget adjustment here and there, in order to retrieve Ireland's prosperity. Do you honestly think that our politicians want to drag us back to a time where we were portrayed as conservative, God fearing drunken idiots???

Now you may be wondering how can an angry rant about the Irish government possibly have to do with a blog about drink. Well here are a few examples.....

A couple of weeks ago a prime example of our government's reputation was put on display in the US, on the Jay Leno show. Millions of yanks tuned in and saw the BIFFO (big ignorant fucker from Offaly) being subjected to a game called 'Bartender, politician or comic'?
Leno showed a photo of Cowen and asked the audience to guess his profession.
He then ended the sketch by saying: "So nice to know we're not the only country with drunk morons."
I personally thought that this skit was hilarious. I always love seeing our country's leaders being ridiculed on behalf of the Americans (of all people).

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Sober or Wasted?

So its Saturday night and your hitting the town with the lads. You have made the extra effort to look your best and will stop at nothing to get Claire (your best friend's sister) to notice you. It is really important that everything goes off without a hitch, but for some reason you are too self-conscious to rely on your own perception and limit yourself to two alternatives: to stay sober, to keep your senses intact or to get drunk off your arse, to obtain dutch courage.
Here are the two outcomes of that night.... 

Going sober   
Inside the club, you are the quietest person amongst a pact of drunken idiots. You are refereed to as a dry shite by your "friends" and are on the arse end of every joke told that night.

On the dance floor, your too concerned about not looking like a complete retard and remain in the one position, bobbing your head backwards and forwards, like a pigeon with tourettes.
You see Claire in the distance and send a pervy smile in her direction. She is obviously too drunk to notice your awkwardness and fingers you over to dance.
As you watch her dance around you some random skanger appears on the scene. He nudges you out of the way and throws his arms around Claire's waist. In a matter of seconds they are wearing the face's off each other, despite your neglected presence.
You think about giving this chap a lovely huke to the jaw, but in reality you pretend nothing is wrong and head to a toilet cubicle, staying there until the night has ended.

Getting Wasted
The minute you get through the doors, you head straight for the bar and lash back a heroic number of pints in an extremely short space of time. 

Within the hour, your easily the drunkest person among your mates and begin the evening's entertainment by reciting a shockingly insulting joke about a particular minority (gingers).  

Upon the dance floor, you manage to grab everyone's attention by demonstrating some reckless Irish jig, to the tune of Lady Gaga's bad romance. Your friends desperately try to avoid you and Claire takes her personal interest elsewhere. 
During the peak of your binge, you notice that some random skanger has his arms wrapped around Claire's body. You immediately raise your fists for combat and throw yourself on top of him. The bouncers are immediately alerted, but you refuse to cooperate and remain glued to the scumbag's back, waiting hysterically for your friend's assistance.

However, no such help arrived.... 
Your not too sure how that particular night concluded, but waking up the next morning with a busted lip, a pounding headache and a stolen wallet could only suggest that it was one hell of a night!
*All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.